There is a lot of advice out there for men, but for one group of men who have never really had any success with women, none of that advice seems to be of much use.
So it’s for you, men, I dedicate this to the zeros.
Going from zero to hero has been everyone’s favorite story since the start of stories, and they all start out the same way. Our hero is a man who feels utterly defeated. Whatever hope he may still have for himself left walled off, knowing thinking like that only leads to misery. He can tell you every reason why he can’t, or won’t, and in a state like this it’s no wonder advice like “just be confident” or “just be yourself” doesn’t really do a damn bit of good.
It all starts with changing your perspective
The first wall to break down is the belief that you’re not good enough for anyone to want to care about you. If you believe that every girl is out of your reach, and act accordingly, you will make it true. The truth is the exact opposite:
There are no such thing as leagues.
This doesn’t mean you have the ability to pick up any girl in the world, no one does. Some girls are only interested in other girls, some are looking for specific qualities you don’t have, others are happily in a relationship or just aren’t interested in one.
But this doesn’t mean these girls are out of your league. Thinking that way is a dangerous mind trap. It leads a man to see a girl, get interested, and then shut himself down by thinking “whatever, she’s out of my league”, rendering himself dead in the water without ever actually taking a shot.
Learn how to sell yourself
A friend of mine wrote the other day about his struggle with depression and his self image. It hit home for him when he asked a friend to set him up with some of her girlfriends. When she asked him what she should say about him he couldn’t think of a single thing.
When in a funk, without a track record of success, too often we fall into the habit of focusing entirely on our flaws, turning our self-image into a rotten pile of negativity. The first thing you need to do is sell yourself, to yourself.
Take the example of a man, unemployed, living at home, overweight, no real success with women, and broke. It’s easy to see why a man like this would feel he has nothing to offer, and no one would ever love him. But changing his perspective is all it takes to start on the path to getting what you want.
If you look at yourself and turn the negatives into positives, it makes it easier to build the confidence to start progressing forwards. Instead of the negative description of the man in this example, he needs to instead think of himself in terms of his strengths. What do you think is more attractive to a woman: a man who lives at home, but has a good relationship with his family, or a man who lives on his own, but hasn’t talked to his mother in six months?
What about not having any success with women? Instead of framing that as a negative, own up to the main reason why: he’s shy, and a little awkward, and always gets a little flustered around beautiful women. Now instead of a woman assuming there is something wrong with you, because you’ve never had a success with women, she sees a man confident enough to admit his flaws, and working to overcome them.
If the only skill you can think of is you’re really great at video games, or you can destroy Doctor Who trivia, great! Own up to it, as there are plenty of women out there who will be as passionate about these things as you are.
The key is having the courage to say: this is who I am, this is what I love. And having the will to continue working to better yourself. You don’t need to be your final goal of a man before you can start having success, you just need to be working towards being the best man you can be. It’s truly the effort that counts.
Always remember: life is not results based. Winning at life is about making the best decisions you can, with the information you have. If you do that, the end results are out of your control, and do not reflect the person you are, or the integrity you have.
Get over your fear of rejection
I’ve written an entire article on how to get over your fear of rejection. But it deserves to be mentioned again. I can guarantee almost all of the men who identify with this article in one way or another have a fear of rejection. You are using excuses like “she’s out of my league” to avoid having to face that fear.
You need to stop doing this immediately.
Rejection is absolutely meaningless. It stings at the time, but the truth is it doesn’t actually matter in any way. I have been rejected more times than I can count, but I can only remember maybe a couple. It seems like a big deal, but it’s not. Getting rejected is not the end of anything, you still get to move on and try again, as many times as you would like.
Failing, only because you had too much fear to make an attempt is stupid. The men who have success with women are no better than you. They have different skills, some of which will make it easier for them to succeed. But the only real difference between a man who has success and a man who doesn’t is having the courage to go out and risk rejection.
Never take rejection personally. If the girl is terrible, and says or does hurtful things to you, that’s a problem with her, not you. Learn from it, figure out if you made any mistakes you can fix, brush off the insults, and carry on. Don’t let one bad person ruin your confidence. You wouldn’t have wanted to have success with jerk like that any way. She did you a favor.
Start giving a fuck about the details
You need to stop and objectively look at yourself. Do you have style, or is your wardrobe comprised of whatever was on sale at Walmart? Is your place clean, or does it look like you’ve never had a girl visit in your life?
Things like how you look affects how you feel, and how others evaluate you. This doesn’t mean you need to be swaddled in begot fineries, it just means you need to look good. And looking good is really just the act of making an effort. It can be as simple as a clean plain black tee shirt and some nice dark jeans.
And finally, when you go out do so with a big smile on your face. Even if you don’t feel confident and the smile feels fake, do it anyway. There is nothing more beneficial to you, or attractive to others, than a smile.
If right now you feel like you would have to trick someone into liking you, instead start by tricking yourself. Force yourself to smile, force yourself to act with confidence, force yourself to take risks. Soon enough you will start to realize that the man you were pretending to be is just another version of the man you are. Show your best self to the world, and it will open its doors to you.
You will never have success until you get out there and start risking failure. Make the choice to stop being afraid, and start taking on the adventure.