Everyone knows nice guys finish last, but how can you start winning the girl without have to become something you’re not?
One of the biggest struggles I had when I was younger, and a common issue other men approach me with, is losing your bid to win the girl for being “too nice”. Instead of throwing your hands in the air and complaining how girls only like assholes, it’s time to start solving the problem, and giving the girls a reason to choose you instead.
The solution isn’t becoming something you’re not, being a nice guy is a great thing to be. The truth is that being nice was never your problem.
The Default: Treat Women like Princesses
I was raised by my mother to treat women as princesses, always be a gentleman, and be as kind as you could possibly be. As you can imagine this ran me head-first into the “too nice” friend zone, and filled my lack-of-a-sex-life with “nice guys finish last anger”.
Despite that frustration, my mother was absolutely correct (she almost always is). While you should be kind and thoughtful towards just about everyone you run into in life, you should go out of your way when it comes to women. Treat them with the utmost respect when they deserve it, and with nothing less than kind indifference when they don’t. Never be an asshole, and do everything you can to make their day more pleasant.
Don’t think this is the same as becoming a lapdog. Being kind, gentlemanly, and thoughtful doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you (unless that’s your kink). You can never sacrifice your own needs in the process. You don’t want to be the kind of man who follows around a girl, carrying her purse, paying for anything that catches her eye in the mall, afraid to have your own opinion or speak up. Instead you should be the man who holds her purse when she needs her hands free, gives her your honest opinion, and buys her gifts when you can afford it, and feel she deserves it.
This should be your default attitude towards women, regardless of your intentions. This is not a ploy to turn on only when you’re interested, it needs to be how you carry forward in life. Besides all of the positive reasons why this is the best mentality, there is a big self-serving one as well: girls talk about boys. When a woman is talking about you to another woman, her opinion of you has the power to make or break your bid. Everyone knows (or should) the best wingman you could ever have is another woman willing to vouch for you.
So it’s not an act, it’s not a con, it’s simply being a guy worth having good things said about you. This attitude is only the first half of the battle. If this becomes your entire self, you will find yourself labelled as “too nice” in a heartbeat. This can’t be everything, instead you need to offer something more.
The Dark Side: Doing Everything You’re not Supposed to Do
This is the crucial part of this article. To understand it fully you need to stop thinking of the world as absolutes, white and black. Everything is a scale, a shade of grey. Everything. If we look at it simply by the math, it’s obvious: in any data set the absolute limits are dictated by the most extreme examples in the set. Everyone else falls in the middle somewhere. Almost no one gets to be at the very edge of the scale, that’s just how it works.
When it comes to sex, here are the important examples:
When a girl tells me she doesn’t like pain, I will ask her if she likes it when a guy grabs the hair at the scruff of her neck while fooling around. It’s almost unanimously a yes, and that is pain she’s enjoying. It’s not extreme, but you don’t need to be on the extreme end of the scale to embrace it.
When a girl tells me she would never let a man degrade her, I will ask her if dirty talking has ever turned her on. Dirty talk is almost entirely comprised of verbal degradation, but because it’s seen as a “normal” part of vanilla sex, it’s not thought of as being degrading, just hot.
But that’s the thing, when it comes to sex, the last thing a woman wants is a “nice guy”. She wants a man who is confident, and can push these buttons as far as they need to be pushed to get her off.
For any person on the submissive end of the scale, the last thing they want is to be topping from the bottom. They want you to fuck them the way they want to be fucked. They don’t want to have to coddle you, and try to explain what you should be doing. If the only side of you they ever see is the really nice guy, they are going to be afraid getting with you will put them into that situation.
Women will almost always avoid any situation which has a fair chance at being uncomfortable, boring, or upsetting, they won’t even give you a chance. To give yourself a shot, you need to give them reason enough to believe that you may not be a mistake to play with.
When girls test you, and they will, you need to stay calm and act with confidence. The easiest way to understand how you should act when being tested is to act nearly the same way you would if you were there with a guy. Would you buy a guy you just met a drink? Maybe. Would you buy all his drinks and pay for his dinner as well? Probably not. If it doesn’t make sense for you to do something, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Even if you don’t feel confident, you need to act confident. The biggest part of that is having the attitude believing the girl has already decided to come home with you. You never want to be sitting there trying to convince her, that will work against you. Instead you need to assume it’s a predetermined conclusion, and carry on accordingly. For example, when talking about sex and a girl says “I don’t think you can handle me”, the guys who lose are the ones who immediately try to convince her otherwise by saying something stupid like “yeah I can!”
The only way you should react to a test like this is by oozing confidence. The last time a girl said this to me I looked her right in the eyes, gave her my best mischievous smile, and after a pause said “I’m not worried about it”.
Now I’m not saying this is the only, or best, way to respond in this situation. It’s just one example of responding with confidence.
It’s a State of Mind
In a previous article I wrote the line “girls are sluts”. Despite it never being intended as an insult, I’ve caught some flak from people offended by that thought. But I left the article as it is for one main reason: it was this line that helped me become the man I am today. If your whole world is geared around thinking of and treating women as princesses, then you need a way to take a step back from yourself when it comes to sex.
So to be more clear this time (I’m sure I’ll still get some heat for this): girls are not sluts, but they want to be treated like one when they are in your bed. They want to be dominated, ravaged, fucked, filled, and used.
The reason for this is biological. Humans don’t like perfection, I can only speculate on the reasons why, but my best guess is that non-perfection is synonymous with diversity, which is crucial to evolution and survival of a species. At the same time we find beauty in contrast. Anyone who works in fine arts or design understands the importance of contrast, but it’s just as important in everything we do. This is another reason why you want to be able to switch between two outlooks towards woman, the contrast will be attractive.
Here are two examples of humans dislike for perfection:
As I’m sure you’re aware, music operates on a beat. But if you have a computer make music perfectly in time, it sounds terrible to human ears. It sounds “fake”. It turns out that professional musicians are not playing perfectly on the beat at all. We are hitting just a fraction early for a number of beats, and then late on the final beat to make up the difference.
But even at a more extreme example, listen to some of the old blues recordings and you will hear wandering beats in many of them. Despite not even coming close to keeping a perfect beat, these songs are still some of the most beloved, beautiful, delightful, and emotional recordings ever made.
The second example comes from the world of perfume making. A natural scent is comprised of multiple molecules together, combining into the scent we smell. One of the greatest scents in the world (and my favorite) is Jasmine. Jasmine is difficult to recreate artificially because the scent has hundreds of elements to it, including either one or both of putrescine and cadaverine. As you can tell by the names, these smells are the scent of a rotting corpse. One of the best smells in the world contains one of the worst smells in its bouquet.
There are countless examples of this, but it all boils down to the fact that we like things to be a little dirty, a little wrong. We like contrast. If you want women to like you, you need to show them this contrast, in being the wonderful man they dream of cuddling with watching Netflix, and the confident powerful man who can make them whimper with lust.
The first step to doing this is embracing it yourself. You need to believe you are the best man in the room, and that you can give a woman everything she needs. The best part: by embracing your dark side you’re going to start having more fun than you have ever had before, and more success than you could ever have imagined.
Everything else aside, you need to remember one thing above all else: your goal is to give her what she needs most, when she needs it. Your job is to be the man she can brag about, dream about, and lust over. So give her what she craves, and don’t hold back.