One of the most common questions men pose to me, in both real life and through this blog, is how to go out and pick up women.

The phrasing isn’t always so elegant, but whether you’re asking me “how do I get laid?”, “How do I get a girlfriend?” or simply “how do I pick up a girl?” the core of the question is identical: you want to connect with a female and build a relationship.

Before we get started, a caveat: this article has no gimmicks, tricks, games or ploys. There is an entire community of pickup artists who can impart countless ways to hoodwink your targets. Some of these are legitimate and ethical, others are questionable.

I am not going to teach you how to be a pickup artist. I’m going to teach you how to be successful at making connections with females. I’m going to teach you how to build relationships without tricks or gambits. The advice you’re about to read is both simple (in theory) and effective. The only hard part is having the balls to man up and do it. When in doubt, ask yourself the Real Men Drink Whiskey Motto: WWJWD.

What do Girls Want?

The first step in becoming successful at picking up women is understanding what women are looking for in a man. You have to know what they’re looking to buy before you can attempt to sell.

While women come in every form, flavor, size and sanity you always need to start with the control; the basic set of principles which are true for the vast majority of the gender. You should assume the following is true for all females until you have reasons to believe otherwise.

Girls want a man, not a boy: Girls do not want to become intimate with a boy. They view themselves as women and are attracted to someone they see as a man.

Girls want to feel secure, protected: We no longer live in wild times, so while being built like a gladiator will get many girls wet on its own right, the feeling of security and protection is mostly emotional in today’s society. They want a man who has their shit together and can handle adversity. The need to know that if they come to you with a problem or an issue, you are willing and capable to handle it.

Girls are attracted to success: No one goes out and hopes to find a loser. Girls like successful men, period. Being successful doesn’t mean rich. It doesn’t mean letters before your name or a fancy executive title. It means you have goals, you’re moving forward and you’re accomplishing things you’re proud of.

Girls want a leader: The old saying is that girls are attracted to assholes: this is a fallacy. Girls are attracted to confident, alpha-male types. The most blatant of these are often also assholes. At no point was the asshole quality the basis for attraction. Be assertive and be a leader instead of simply a follower. Stand up for yourself (that doesn’t mean pick fights, a real man knows how to walk away from a fight not worth fighting) and have an opinion. It’s better to be assertive and wrong than silent and invisible.

Girls want to be entertained: No one sits around hoping they can meet some new really boring people to hang out with. Girls want a man who is fun, a man who is a good time to be around. You don’t need to be always “on” or putting on a show, you just need to make the most of any situation, and have things you’re passionate about. No matter what you’re into, there are girls out there who like it just as much, or more, than you do. Be yourself, be passionate, smile often and you’ll be just fine.

Girls want a man who makes them wet: You’re only interested in girls you find attractive, and girls are only interested in men they find attractive. If you’re not a girl’s type there is almost nothing you can do to pick her up. So stop feeling like a failure and move on to a girl who likes what she sees. You don’t need to be George Clooney, you just need to have pride your appearance. Try to stay in shape, have some sort of style in how you dress, make sure your hair looks good. If you’re losing most of your hair, don’t try to fake it; shave the head with pride. If you take care of yourself, accept and love who you are, you will find girls who like what they see.

This is the foundation of what “every” girl wants. The trick to picking up girls is simple: be what girls want. If you’re a confident, successful, entertaining, attractive man you’re exactly what every girl is looking for. The first step in getting girls is accepting who you really are.

Girls are Submissive

The degree to which a girl is submissive will vary, but it’s rare for a girl to be dominant down to her true core. Think to all the times you’ve asked a girl a question, such as “what do you want to eat?” or “what movie would you like to see?”. Unless they are feeling strongly about something at that moment, the answer is almost always something as ambiguous as “It doesn’t matter”.

This simple fact shapes the dynamics of interacting with females. Girls are looking for a confident, dominant man. If you’re not confident then it’s your job to make them believe you are, until it becomes your reality.

Faking confidence and dominance takes just three steps:

  1. Always make and hold eye contact.
  2. When asked a question, have an immediate confident answer. The best way to ensure you can do this is to always be brutally honest. Never tell a girl what you think they want to hear, or you’re going to have doubt and not seem confident. Answer with honesty.
  3. When a decision needs to be made, make it. Don’t try to make the perfect choice, simply make any good choice. The more choices you can confidently make the more confident you will seem and the easier it will become to continue down this road.

Assume there is Only One Possible Ending

You need to assume that if a girl is spending her time talking and flirting with you, she likes you. This means you’re an awesome guy worthy of being liked. Accept that, own it and be proud, even to the point of being slightly cocky.

Since girls want the same thing as guys, you can take this one step further: if this girl likes you, and thinks you’re awesome, then she wants the encounter to end on a high note. You need to adopt the attitude that the only possible way this night can end is with her coming home with you. She isn’t spending her time flirting with you so she can go home alone.

Since that’s the only possible way the night can end, you can relax and simply have fun. At no time do you ever have to try and steer the night in that direction. Act as though you have already slept with her, and it’s a preordained conclusion that you will be doing so again. Simply have a good time, and when the time feels right (don’t force or second guess it) invite her back to your place as if you already know her answer.

If she comes home with you, you can be absolutely certain of her intentions. So again, just have a good time. No plans, no schemes no pressure. When you feel like making a move and kissing the girl, just kiss her. She wouldn’t still be with you if she didn’t want it. Never doubt, never wonder “if” simply assume that’s what she wants and move forward as such.

In short, if you’re the kind of guy girls want (and if you’re not, make changes in your life until you are) all you need is to smile and have confidence. If you don’t have confidence simply pretend you do. Follow these rules and you’ll see your success rate go through the roof.

Now once you have the girl, the next step will be keeping her. But that’s going to have to wait until another day. In the mean time you should learn to be the best lay she’s ever had. That’s always a good start.

Title image by the talented Patrick Parenteau