Let’s make this clear right off the start: this is not a guide on how to cheat. If cheating is what you’re looking to do stop reading; you’re not welcome here.
Additionally, you’re not going to find an essay debating and describing various relationship models. I am not trying to convince anyone to adopt one model over another, the choice is up to you and the people you are involved with.
The final caveat is this: Not everyone is willing/able to embrace and enjoy alternative lifestyles. You’re dealing with a lifetime of propaganda, beliefs, dreams, drama and scar tissue. Before you consider dabbling in this world you need to have a very serious and honest conversation with yourself. You’re dealing with emotions, your own and those of the girls. Just like the standard relationship model, things aren’t always going to work out, and people are going to get hurt.
This article is, in essence, a guide to damage control. You all know the cliché “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”, this is exceptionally astute for this situation. If you want to successfully date multiple girls at once you need to work extremely hard to plan ahead, and prevent issues from cropping up in the first place.
If you’re being truly honest with yourself, and thinking past the “honeymoon stage” of meeting someone special, how many days a week do you truly want to spend with one specific person?
Since I can’t hear your answer I’ll speak about myself. I have a busy life; I have a lot of friends and hobbies and greatly value my independence. I don’t want to see anyone on a personal level more than two or three days a week.
Above all other reasons the most important to me is this: when a girl chooses to spend her time with me she deserves my full attention and energy. I want every second I spend with someone I love to matter, I want it to be special. But no matter whom it is, if I spend every day with her I’m going to become acclimatized. The last thing I want is for the time I spend with a girl I love to be ordinary, mundane or typical. For me this means it’s in our best interest for me to see her less often as opposed to more.
Now if you follow and accept my logic the next step won’t be that much of a leap:
If I can be a truly great boyfriend to her, seeing her two to three days a week, what’s stopping me from being a truly great boyfriend to another girl I also see two to three days a week?
If you remove all emotion/sense of proprietorship from the equation the answer is simple: nothing. As long as I’m capable of giving you everything you need from a boyfriend, it should not matter to you what I do when we’re not together. But for this to be true, you need to be brutally brazenly honest.
Honesty, honesty, honesty
The hardest thing to do in a relationship is also the most important. If any relationship model is going to work (this one especially) you need to be exceptionally honest with yourself and your girls, and you need to ensure they are being as forthcoming with you.
A sliver of jealousy un-mentioned will fester and grow like a cancer. Jealousy is a normal emotion and reaction. Often, when discussed is easily dissipated, accepted and forgotten. But if you let it grow unchecked it is guaranteed to cause problems.
It’s not enough to simply state “I’m still going to be seeing other girls” the night you meet someone, and then wash your hands of any drama to come down the line. It’s your job to ensure any girl you have a relationship with leaves a better person than she was when you found her. While it’s impossible to bat 1000 your goal should be to never break a single heart.
All girls need to be acutely aware of where they stand and how you feel about them. They need to truly accept they have no reason to feel threatened by other women, and they are safe with you, never needing to worry about where they stand.
If you’re consistently brutally honest they will know about any issues as they arise. This level of honesty is crucial; it’s the only way your partners can ever relax and trust you.
Equal but separate
Segregation is an interesting topic. While the ideal situation would have the girls you date be true trusting friends, the world is not always a perfect place. Not everyone is always going to get along, and if your girlfriends meet and dislike each other it’s going to cause massive problems for you.
If you’re not certain they will love each other as much as they love you, you might want to consider keeping your worlds separate.
Even a happy trusting girlfriend does not want to hear about your ex all of the time. The same goes for your other girlfriend. She knows of her, and you should never feel shy about mentioning her when appropriate, but if you’re keeping the worlds separate you need to ensure to do just that.
Girls are not dumb; they will notice signs of the other girl(s) in your place. You should work hard to limit these signs. It’s not that you should be hiding one girl from another; it’s just that she doesn’t need to be constantly reminded of another girl familiar to you. Here are some tips for doing that:
Keep your place clean: The cleanliness of your place is a massive factor in how a girl feels about you. In fact a disgusting apartment (bathroom especially) is a deal breaker for most girls. Keep your place spotless and she’ll feel better spending time at your place. If she sits down on your couch and sees two wine glasses on the coffee table, one with lipstick, she’s going to sit there thinking about what your night was like with another girl and how she’s stacking up. This is never the mood you want to set.
Mind the obvious: Clothing, used condoms, stains on sheets, an unmade bed and sex toys lying around. These are all obvious signs which should never be left on display. But you need to go a step further: girls will cover your place and fill your bathroom garbage can with girl-specific items: q-tips, cotton swabs, makeup covered tissues etc. Pay attention and clean that shit up.
Worse than dogs: Girls shed. They shed a lot (especially if you have a love for pulling hair). If you have a girl at your place her hair is going to be all over everything you own. A girl finding four hairs of four colors on your blanket is a girl who probably doesn’t feel all that special to be cuddled up with you at that point. This goes along with the clean apartment. In addition to keeping things tidy, you need to spend the extra effort to rid your place of rogue hairs. Pillows, couches, beds and bathroom floors are the most likely hiding places.
Plan ahead: If you’re going to date multiple girls you need to work more than twice as hard as the average guy. You need to be the perfect boyfriend, for if you fall even a bit short she’s going to question everything about you and your relationship. Go grocery shopping, have her favorite drink, buy spare toothbrushes so you can give her one when she spends the night un-planned. Have facial cleanser, makeup remover, conditioner, and extra clean towels, make sure she has everything she needs to be comfortable and happy when she’s at your place.
Toothbrushes: Remember mind the obvious? When you had a brand new toothbrush for her the last time she came over she was impressed that you cared enough to think about it. When she comes back and sees a different toothbrush next to yours all of the good feelings you built up evaporates instantly. She went from feeling special to ordinary. While that’s anything but true it’s how she feels and that’s really all that matters. Have a system for storing toothbrushes out of sight, and take out the correct one for the girl before she arrives.
Don’t mix and match: Dating multiple girls is far more work than dating just one. You need to listen, pay attention to and remember all of the important intimate details of multiple girls, and you need to keep them all straight in your head. It’s unacceptable to use the wrong name, or confuse situations and scenarios. Keep your shit in order. Create a spreadsheet and fill it out with important info for each girl: allergies, dislikes, likes, sexual interests, birthday, pets names, friends/family names and info, toothbrush color… etc.
Bitch, be cool: While you work hard to keep your worlds separate, at no point should you be ashamed or apologetic about who you are. You’ve been brutally honest and all girls know exactly where they stand and what’s going on. When you run into another girl you’re dating on a date, it should be no more awkward than if you ran into your old college roommate.
Introduce them, be cool, be normal and be honest. Don’t over compensate and don’t apologize. Treat the situation as if nothing strange happened at all, if you’re calm and cool chances are the girls will be as well.
Assuming you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve acted with honor and done everything you can to be the best man you can be to these girls, you have nothing to apologize for. If the girl has chosen to be with you she’s either as comfortable with the situation as you are or has been lying to herself and you.
If she has been lying she’s going to get hurt, and there’s probably nothing you can do to help it. In the future you need ensure you’re not able to be lied to so easily. You need the girls to be honest with you, and themselves. It’s your job to ensure that happens.
It’s never enough to simply hear them say “I understand and am totally okay with you seeing other people”. It is your job to ensure that they actually mean it.
Remember, you’re not cheating, so while you might be working to keep the worlds apart, you should never fret if they come together.
If you want to date multiple girls at once, you need to be vigilant. Not every man is man enough to completely sate a single girl, never mind multiple. It’s not okay to be a shitty boyfriend to multiple girls at once. If you want girls to take a chance, and trust in you, you better reward them for that trust by being truly exceptional.
Never date more girls than you can keep happy, and never take anyone for granted. Never be anything but your best, and ensure that when a relationship ends she leaves with nothing but kind things to say about you.
If you can do these things, you can happily date multiple girls at once. The number depends on how often you need to see them, and how often they need to see you. Regardless of if you’re seeing a girl once a week or once a year, make sure every hour she spends with you is special and leaves her happily wanting more.