You’re tired of falling for men who take you for granted, who mistreat you and make you feel ordinary: you’re tired of being hurt. Here’s how to avoid these land-mines.

I recently got an email from a female reader asking for advice on what a “real man” looks for in a real woman. She wanted to know how to avoid putting herself in the same depressing situation as her last few relationships. She wanted to know how to get back hope, and faith, in men.

I like to reply to every email I get, but this question is one I have talked about many times with friends of mine in real life. I figured it’s time for my first ever article written for women. Like just about every article I write for men, the issue starts with no one but yourself.

Understand and trust your intuition

I have always been told about the great ‘woman’s intuition’. If this is a truth, terrific, but if your intuition is no greater than us men there is no need to worry: you have all the tools you need. It is exceptionally rare for a person to entirely fool you, assuming you weren’t looking to be fooled.

Handcuffs: not a safe sex toy.

Handcuffs: not a safe sextoy.

Using your intuition as a tool takes two steps:

  1. You need to distinguish between a hope and a read.
  2. You need to trust yourself.

There is a big difference between what your intuition reads in someone and what you want to see in them. It’s easy to let this desire overwhelm you, and fool yourself into thinking your hopes are genuine traits of the man you desire. You can think back to your past and come up with dozens of examples from your own life. Your first task is to stop this immediately. You need to evaluate people on what you see in them, not what you want to see in them.

Once you have this first kink worked out the best thing you can do for yourself is trust your intuition. If you get the feeling that this man is bad news for you, he probably is. Don’t ignore, qualify, or justify your feelings: listen to them.

Crazy is fun until it’s not

Men fall for crazy just as often as women, and it’s almost always devastating. The problem is that crazy is exciting. When you first meet someone and are in the honeymoon stage everything is new and wonderful. Unfortunately this can make you blind to seeing the crazy in someone.

Spontaneity is one trait almost universal to all crazies. Being spontaneous is a great thing, unless the spontaneity is caused by sudden, violent mood swings. When riding the high of the honeymoon stage these swings will often go from one ‘fun’ state to another, but when the good times start to fade things can go sideways in a hurry.

Another warning sign is crazy sex. There is a big difference between good, kinky, aggressive, passionate, intense sex and crazy sex. Unfortunately when you are blinded by the joy of ‘new’ it can be really easy to confuse the two. Be sure that one day soon you will not find yourself in the middle of it realising you don’t want to be there any more.

When you are in the first few days or weeks of meeting someone pay attention to anything that stands out.  Are they in a fight with all of their friends, kicked out of their house, can’t hold down a job, or on bad terms with his ex? There are legitimate reasons for all of these, but sometimes: crazy.

Controlling or in control

Spoiler: Christian Grey is abusive.

Spoiler: Christian Grey is abusive.

This one is most important, especially for any of you girls on the submissive end of the spectrum. While they can feel like the same thing, especially when everything is good, there is an important difference between a man who controlling, and a man who is in control.

There is a difference between a man who is dominant and strict, and a man who is abusive. For example, think of a man who orders for you when he takes you out for dinner. The difference between controlling and control is a man who only orders what he wants instead of what he believes you will like most.

A good man who is in control will want you to go out with your friends, with or without him. He won’t care if some (or all) of your friends are male. If you are in any form of a dominant/submissive relationship it can be hard to see the difference between these two things, but for a little more insight read An Introduction to Kink: Being Dominant.

What are we looking for

While this is one of the more common questions I will hear, the answer isn’t going to be all that helpful to you. When it comes to what a man is looking for, the answer is almost always entirely personal. All I can do is give you some broad strokes.

It all starts with attraction. This is not shallow, this is simply how it works with all species of all animals in all of the world. The thing with humans is every man sees something different as attractive to him. You don’t need to look like anyone other than yourself, your concern should just be to show off the best true version of you there is.

After that a dominant man will have some or all of these as priorities:

  • He wants to feel loved.
  • He wants to feel worshipped.
  • He wants to feel validated to himself and his friends.
  • He wants someone who will challenge him.
  • He wants someone who wants him, craves him.
  • He wants to be entertained.
  • He wants to be understood.

But most of all, he wants someone who will make him feel like a man. There are hundreds of other priorities men look for in woman, but for the most part this list will suffice.

To find a good man you need to do the following:

Put yourself into situations where meeting men is possible: have hobbies, go out, and make profiles on online dating sites.

Beware any "man" with this photo on their profile.

Beware any “man” with this photo on their profile.

Allow yourself to be approached: don’t shut out the world, and don’t turn your back. Let people come to you, and if you see someone you want to get to know go and say hello.

Use your intuition to abort when the guy isn’t what you are looking for. When you find someone worth investing time into, do that, but stay vigilant off the start.

When you do choose to invest into someone, communicate clearly and honestly. This is the only way your relationship will have any chance. If he is unwilling to do this you should start hearing warning bells. He may be a terrific guy, but without an open and honest dialogue your relationship will fail.

To those of you who have written me asking for this type of advice, I hope this is what you were looking for. For those of you who came here on your own, I hope you found a tip or two. As usual, leave any comments or questions below.