Why you Fear Rejection, and how you Will Overcome Your Fear


The fear of rejection is one of the largest hurdles standing between a man and his goals. Almost all men have failed to catch the interest of a girl because the fear of rejection stopped them before they made a move.

It’s absolute lunacy to ensure failure because you’re afraid of failing. We accomplish this feat of stupidity by rationalizing it with the faulty logic “well if I don’t try I can’t fail”. Make no mistake, inaction is its own failure. Couple this with the fact you still didn’t get the girl and you have now failed twice.

It is always better to make a choice, even a wrong choice, than no choice at all.

Where it all started

For most of us, the fear of rejection came from our awkward time in school. The typical arc for us boys goes something like this:

  • You decide you ‘like like’ one girl in your class.
  • You spend days, weeks, or even months turning this ‘like’ into a full-blown-crush nearing obsession.
  • Once this girl has become your whole world, larger than life, a goddess, you make your move.
  • Since you’ve been acting like a freak with a crush (she noticed) she rejects your advance.
  • Since you had turned the fantasy of this girl into such a massive part of your life, the rejection is devastating. The whole world you have created has come down on your head.

As a result you have now made a link between rejection and devastating pain, shame, and embarrassment: you never want to go through it again. For most of us (the lucky ones) this was the worst emotional pain we have ever felt to that point. This gets cemented as our first fear we keep with us all throughout our lives.

Any fear you have had for the majority of your life is one you will have difficulty ignoring and shedding. But the first step is understanding the truth of the fear: it’s not real.

Find the root of the problem

You have spent your whole life thinking of the pain of rejection as three steps:

  1. You make a move
  2. You get rejected
  3. You succumb to crushing pain and shame
My first crush.

My first crush.

If you go back and re-evaluate the arc of our first rejection, you will see that the rejection itself wasn’t to blame for the pain. The pain came from the intense feeling of loss mixed with shame. The world of fantasies and day-dreams you had created, all of those things making your life brighter, are now gone.

What had become the most pleasurable part of your life has been torn away, instantly. You wish you had never made your move, you even wish you had never met her in the first place. It’s the loss of this fantasy causing you the pain, not the actual act of rejection.

How bad is rejection, honestly?

Picture yourself in a bar, looking to find a girl to chat to and flirt with. You see one you like, gather your courage, cross the bar, and give her your best opening line you can come up with “Hey, can I buy you a drink?”

Without pause she replies “No thank you” and excuses herself to the bathroom with her friend.

You just got rejected, and it sucks, but just how badly? In 10 minutes, when you are talking to some other girl, you will have almost entirely forgotten about the one who rejected you. When you have no emotional fantasy world to come crashing down on you, rejection itself is no worse than pulling off a bandaid. Yes, it’s unpleasant, but you’re going to be a man about it anyway.

To top it off, you have to understand the reasons for rejection, and stop taking it personally. The reasons a girl can reject you include (but are not limited to):

  • You’re not her type.
  • She’s not emotionally available.
  • She’s in a relationship.
  • She’s in a shitty mood.
  • You’re not wearing a $5,000 suit.
  • You are wearing a $5,000 suit.
  • She’s busy.
  • She was put off by your terrible opener where you made yourself sound ordinary, typical, lame, and lacking confidence (never offer to buy someone you’ve never met a drink, it just doesn’t make sense).

Almost all of the times you will be rejected will be because she’s just not into you. Just as you are not into most of the people you see every day, every girl is not going to be into you either. Don’t take it personally, and just move on.

Just because she’s your type, doesn’t mean you are hers.

It’s a numbers game

You will be rejected most of the times you try to make a move. Accept it, embrace it, and stop letting the fear cripple you.

At the end of the night, what are you going to remember most: the ten times you got rejected, or the one cute girl who chatted you up and gave you her number? A thousand rejections are less notable in your life than one good connection.

What do you have to lose?

What do you have to lose?

When you put things into perspective, and separate the pain you endured as a child from the equation, you will realize that rejection, while not fun, is truly no big deal. Go out and start approaching women. When you see a girl you would like to get to know, go up and see if you can grab her attention. When you get rejected, stop and evaluate how you feel.

You will realize that the fear of approaching her in the first place, was and is, still worse than the rejection. In fact you may even feel relief, as the fear of approach is no longer relevant. Take 60 seconds, breathe, and you will be ready to try again with less fear.

Any time you take a break from trying to push through your own limits you will lose a bit of your progress. Don’t let this slow you down. Just keep pushing through, keep faking confidence, and eventually your friends will start looking at you for their own inspiration.



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Written by Sean Lind

My time is divided between writing, women, whiskey, and pinball. I give lots of advice, and coach men on how to reach their potential. As for whiskey, I am a descendant of Johnny Walker himself, you could say it's always been in my blood.


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