In part one of the Best Lay series we discussed the importance of accepting yourself, now it’s time to learn how to make some moves.
Firstly, let me set the record straight. Truly accepting who you are isn’t something many people can do overnight. It’s a long process, and you’re just going to have to take it one step at a time. The goal is to keep moving forward, and refusing to let the world’s shit pull you down.
Once you’ve started to feel confident with who you are it’s time to start having some real fun.
Note: The remainder of these articles is written assuming you’re anything but submissive. While there’s nothing wrong with being submissive, it’s not a role which requires much advice; other than knowing how to do as you’re told.
Making Moves: Timed Aggression
One of the biggest sticking points for all guys is knowing when and how to make a move. They’re worried about doing it wrong, and let that fear take over. Once you’re in your head, it’s easy for things to go sideways.
The first thing you should do is stop using the term “making a move”. In reality you’re actually making a shift. You’re shifting the mood, tone, interaction and possibly location from an anticipation filled sexual tensioned mess to the very thing dreams are made of.
The move is simply how you choose to initiate the shift. To shift successfully it’s going to take a whole series of moves.
What moves you make, or how you make them, will always be up to you, and you should try to stick to things which feel natural for who you are. If you force it, or pull something out of character, that will come across.
Sex, and everything surrounding it, is mostly mental. While it seems like everything about the act is a physical thing, the best sex always puts the physical as second fiddle to the mental game.
This means it is your job to manage the girl’s emotions (as best you can) at all times. Successfully shifting requires you to keep the girl excited, intrigued, turned on and comfortable. While this combination seems like a lot, it’s not all that difficult to manage if you stay calm and don’t do anything stupid.
I’ve decided to break down the shift into universal steps. Every girl is different, and sometimes every rule in the book will be broken, but this framework should be considered the control. It’s always where you should start, and if you find yourself lost, come back and work the steps.
Step 1: Ensure you’re in a situation where the right mood is even possible.
Let’s say you meet a girl online, and you have a date planned. She meets you at your place before you head out for a walk or some shit. At this point she will be nervous, slightly on-edge and looking for a reason not to go with you.
Remember: girls never look for a reason to go with you, they look for reasons not to.
If she finds any reason to abort, she will. This is not a setting where you should ever try to shift, you haven’t built enough comfort.
Always make sure it’s possible to get to where you’re trying to go, before you try to go there. Ask yourself if shifting even makes sense? Is the sun glaring in through the window? Is there someone else sitting with you in the room? No matter how badly you want it, if the timing is wrong you’re dead in the water.
Step 2: Relax
Here’s the most important secret I can ever teach you: girls are not sneaky. While they will almost never tell you what they want, they will immediately tell you when they don’t want something. If a girl is willing to come to your place, alone, at night and is clearly happy/excited to be there, she’s down to fuck.
As soon as you identify a situation which is on a path leading to sex, you can just relax and let things progress naturally. Once you’re on that path, that’s the only place she’s planning to go. So don’t give her any reason to change course.
Unless she’s your sister or just a good friend, a girl will never come to your house alone at night unless she’s thinking the same things you are. She knows that you’ll be thinking it, and she won’t put herself in the situation unless she’s on board. No one willingly puts themselves in messy/awkward situations. If she’s there, she’s game.
So just relax and forget about trying to get her into your bed. Since you already know where the night is going you can just enjoy yourself and let things progress naturally.
Step 3: Take things slowly, be cool and calm, escalate kino and look for IOIs
Even if the girl came over with the intention of sleeping with you, almost no girls are turned on by a guy who seems desperate, needy or over-eager. Unless you have a time restraint just be cool and have a genuine good time. The longer you spend just chilling, the more likely you are to have success when you make your big move.
Remember, sex is mostly mental, and one of the largest parts of that is building anticipation. You want to get her to the point where she is sitting there, licking her lips, going crazy waiting for you to kiss her. So be fun, cool and flirty, escalate kino, and look for IOIs.
Kino (short for kinesthetic) is a fancy way of saying touching. Before you make your move, you need to be escalating kino. Going from hours of talking, having never touched, to leaning in for a make-out is a huge leap which will probably get you tagged out. It’s the same principal as the boiling frog.
You should be spending hours escalating Kino. Start by touching her arm when telling a story, a hand on her back when opening a door, just any time it makes sense for a little non-creepy, non-sexual contact you should be doing it. It slowly escalates to the point where kissing her is just a natural progression, not something out of left field.
If you’re somewhere where you can dance, this is always a great place to escalate. Let me be very clear here: the dance floor is not the place to try and make your shift. Too many guys try to escalate kino too quickly on the dance floor. Touching, dancing and flirting are all good. Groping, molesting and creeping are all bad.
If she pushes the matter, react accordingly, but your goal on the dance floor is just to have a good time, and use it as an excuse to be in contact. Do it right and you can build enough sexual tension on a dance floor to set up the easiest close of your life. Do it wrong and you’ll never get the chance to make a move, never mind close.
As you’re escalating kino you should be looking for IOIs. An IOI is an Indicator of Interest. If a girl is interested in you sexually, she will give you signs. These signs are not hard to pick up on, if you know what to look for.
In short: an IOI is an action or reaction which you wouldn’t receive unless the girl is comfortable and interested in you.
Hold out your hands in front of her palm up, does she put her hands on top of yours? That’s an IOI (and a great way to start some kino, just have a witty comment ready and be sure to throw the hands away a few seconds after they make contact. It’s always better to throw her hands away than have her pull them away. Even if you’re scared to death, always put forth the illusion of being completely calm and in control).
Does she laugh at things you say, even when they’re not funny? That’s an IOI.
Is she telling you personal bits of information about herself you normally don’t hear from strangers? That’s an IOI.
Is she making her own excuses to touch you, like touching your arm when she laughs? That’s an IOI
When you sit next to her and your hand finds its way on top of her knee, does she act like it’s the most normal thing in the world? That’s an IOI.
When you’ve gotten more than three blatant IOI’s I guarantee you will have no problem kissing this girl. Any girl who gives multiple strong IOI’s, and then backs away from a kiss is a tease and clearly insane, so don’t sweat it.
Step 3: Making the Big Move
You’re feeling good, she seems comfortable and the sexual tension is palpable. You’ve got IOI’s coming from all angles, the setting is perfect and now it’s time to make a move. This is where lots of guys (including myself) start to feel the pressure. Your pulse speeds up, you start sweating, you can’t think straight and you’re paranoid she can tell.
Once you’re feeling this you just need to do 4 things:
- Do a quick count to confirm you’ve gotten 3 or more IOIs
- Take a deep breath
- Look her in the eyes
- Lean in for the kiss
When you look her in the eyes, you’ve reached the point of no return. As soon as you connect, you need to start the lean in. She will know what’s going on at that point, and if you wait too long it exhibits a lack of confidence. Meet her eyes and start leaning in immediately. Go slow, and let your momentum carry you.
If she’s not looking at you when you want to make the move, gently put your hand on the far side of her chin and turn her head towards you. If you do that you’ve reached the point of no return the instant you make contact.
Parting Words of Encouragement
John Wayne said “Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.”
Pretty much every guy is absolutely terrified when they’re about to make their move. It’s OK to be scared, as long as you go for it. Trust me; the worst case scenario (getting rejected and slapped) is still better than regretting not going for it for the rest of your life.
If you ever find yourself in doubt, just ask yourself: WWJWD?
But relax; if you’re being honest when you count your IOIs, and you’ve counted more than three, you’re in the clear. Go for the kiss, and the rest will take care of itself.
But if you want to be the best lay this girl has ever had, you’re going to want to head to part 3: the true importance of foreplay.
More from the Be the Best Lay She’s Ever Had Series:
- Part 1: Acceptance
- Part 2: Making your Move
- Part 3: The True Importance of Foreplay
- Part 4: How to Last Longer in Bed
- Part 5: Sex Tips for Men